Although this guy has a bit of questionable logic, he does have some great points to make about how to reduce fear and how to get what you want – plus he offers a challenge about how to identify what you really want in life. Click here to find out more about controlling anxiety.
I’ve already explained how the Adonis Golden Ratio is a revolutionary diet program for men, which offers the prospect of effective weight loss and a better body, more muscular and lean.
For example, if you look at the question of motivation in dieting, there’s an interesting study reported from a few years back, which demonstrates beyond question that social support is a critical factor in achieving weight loss goals.
The study demonstrated beyond question that the potential benefit of social support was huge. In general, people engaged in a dieting program need social support to achieve success.
However, many people lack access to the necessary degree of support. The Adonis golden ratio clearly offers support that you would expect to see with the best weight loss diet available on the Internet today.
Obviously, when you are part of an Internet community online in a chat room, or sharing comments on a blog, there are many possible opportunities for online support, exchanging information, and exchanging questions and advice with your peer group – people who share the same interests and concerns.
The advantages of this mode of communication clearly include the fact that geography is of no relevance, and people can remain anonymous if they so wish.
Now although this makes sense, few social studies have been done, and participants in this study were among the first to take part in research into the benefits of social support and consequent motivation in dieting.
The study was actually conducted on the website www.sparkpeople.com, which in the time of the study was the third most visited weight loss website.
Before and after pictures (photoshopped) to illustrate the effect of the Adonis index diet.
The study was conducted on recent recruits to the sparkpeople.com website, and they were rewarded with a $10 Amazon.com gift certificate.
The questions that the researchers asked included questions about the experiences that people had on this website, and also questions about what they valued both with the website itself and the interaction they had with other sparkpeople.com members.
The researchers also reviewed the messages within the forum to ensure that they knew exactly what qualitative analysis could be conducted on the social support themes that were available to the members.
The first thing that emerged was that the combination of weight loss behaviour, the demographics of community members, and the mode of communication via the Internet chat rooms and forums, suggested that earlier studies on social support on the Internet did not apply to weight loss communities.
Although the responses were primarily from white women in the United States, of whom 75% were overweight or obese.
Approximately 60 percent agreed strongly that the community members were more helpful than other people with regard to weight loss support. This emphasizes the benefits of sharing an interest with people who understand your experience — which I happen to believe is a basic human need in any case.
Clearly members received encouragement, and increased motivation, which enabled them to continue with their chosen lifestyle changes, recover from steps backward, and overcome internal and external barriers to pursuing their weight loss goals.
The main way in which this happened was that members were encouraged by reading other people’s testimony, or encouraged by receiving recognition for their level of success, or were able to keep each other accountable as far as physical activity (exercise regimes) and dieting goals were concerned.
It seems that the sharing of similar experiences and the shared understanding that arises in such a community produces empathy, as well as a degree of friendly competition.
And the word friendly is important here — because other communities in the weight loss arena can be far from friendly. In essence, people described the feeling of belonging to a family, or being a team member.
Even mutual accountability is based on the shared experience of weight loss goal, and knowing about the processes that lead to success or failure. Certainly checking in with each other on a regular basis to make sure the exercises en route to the weight loss goals were being adhered to appears to have been a massive factor in the members’ increased level of success compared to non-forum members.
Now, although you may not have expected a scientific study to have been conducted on the value of support to people who are on a diet or weight loss regime, this certainly emphasizes the fact that there are techniques in dieting which can enhance success – factors that you might not expect.
So everyone on the Adonis Golden Ratio program may benefit from the value of the social forums and media support – this is clearly considerable, particularly because the forums here conform to the description in the scientific study above of the friendly nature of those community members.
It’s hard to imagine why anybody would undertake any other program of dieting and weight loss, considering the massive advantages that the Adonis golden ratio appears to offer:
- it seems to be the best weight loss diet
- it seems to have complete support from the community members
- and a high level of support from the professional staff
- it offers individual personalized diet program
- and personalized exercise program
- the system is available for PC, laptop, mobile phone, tablet and iPad
- and support is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
You might be a little bit cynical about dieting, if you’ve tried to diet in the past!
But the interesting thing is that dieting can work, provided you have the right criteria. Before we go into those, I want to say a few words about why dieting might be a good idea.
If you look at the photographs below, which of these two men is more or less likely to be rejected by the woman that he approaches the day?
I think the answer is obvious, isn’t it?
Now of course that’s rather extreme example, but nonetheless there is truth in it. The fact is that men who are attractive in physical appearance are more likely to get dates, more likely to be in a relationship, and more likely to be the subject of interest from women than men who are fat or obese.
Now if this matters to you, then obviously you’re going to want to do something about it. You don’t have to look like the Greek god Adonis, but it always helps!
Adonis is the name of the Greek god of beauty, and his name has been transferred to a program of weight loss and diet for men called the Adonis Golden Ratio. Click here to find out more!
If you’re wondering what the golden ratio is, it’s a mathematical relationship between two parts of a whole that is said to give the most aesthetic appearance.
In the case of the human body, the golden ratio applies to the overall length of body related to the torso length, and the overall circumference of the shoulders related to the circumference of the waist.
When these four parts of the body are in proportion to the golden ratio, it said that the body is the most aesthetically pleasing possible.
Now you may be wondering how on earth it’s possible to change body shapes so dramatically to fit an aesthetic ideal.
Yet actually that isn’t quite what happens here.
The Adonis Golden Ratio is more about bringing out the ideal proportions of your individual body size rather than building a huge body, or going from massive weightlifting achievement or huge dietary achievement.
In other words, you’re seeking to bring out the best possible representation of your body, regardless of its shape or size.
John Barban, who wrote the Adonis golden ratio says that everybody has a body which is capable of achieving something very close to the golden ratio, and that this is disguised under obesity or lack of muscular development.
So you’ll see the immediately that this is no ordinary diet plan or weight loss plan from men — it’s a holistic programme of development of body and mind.
The object is to give you a great sense of self pride, because you look good and feel great, whilst also ensuring that the confidence - and that means sexual confidence in particular – which comes from looking good can be yours.
So how is this to be achieved? Well, there are a number of ways that the Adonis golden ratio manages to convert a fat, non-aesthetic body into an Adonis godlike body.
First of all, there’s a nutritional plan designed specifically for you.
This goes along with an exercise plan that is designed specifically to you.
Already, these are two unique advantages of the Adonis Golden Ratio, which is all about finding the best way that you can possibly show of your physique to the world at large, while at the same time getting the highest level of cardiovascular exercise appropriate to your level of musculature.
But the Adonis Golden Ratio goes much further: on hand are experts who can advise you about any aspect of the program — be it weight loss, body building, nutrition or anything else — at any time of day or night.
You’re part of a community of thousands and thousands of men who are trying to better themselves make themselves more desirable in relationships and to their own eyes.
These men will support you in your endeavours to lose weight and gain a better body — they will also offer suggestions about how you can improve on your performance, and give you encouragement when your motivation is slipping.
You will see that these unique features with this particular diet plan are unrivalled in terms of any other diet plan available anywhere on the Internet, and, I suspect, in bookshops as well.
And of course we have known for a long time that having the support of a group around you is an extraordinarily powerful way of improving the success rate of your dieting — Weight Watchers were the first to find this out.
But this is unique, because it isn’t just a few people in a group, it’s 1000 or more men in the community who will support you whatever you need.
And there’s an app which gives you the opportunity to meet men in your area who are on the Adonis plan so that you can get together with them in person for mutual support, trips to the gym, and even socializing.
With all this going for it, the golden ratio seems to have more advantages than any of the programs I’m aware of, and it certainly has a very high success rate.
But I’m not suggesting that it you will turn into an Adonis, and that every rejection you’ve ever experienced when trying to get into relationship with a woman will be over and done with forever.
Those rejections are in the nature of life, but what I am suggesting is that when you have the Adonis Golden Ratio behind you, all of these things are going to look a lot easier than they do right now.
What To Do If You Do Not Know
How To Make A Woman Come
A lot of sexual practice (in having intercourse) has been found to play a role in learning how to make a woman come consistently.
Years of intercourse seem to have rather impressive effects on how easy it is to make a woman come. And yet the elaborateness of the sexual stimulation delivered to make a woman come is found to be uncorrelated with sexual responsiveness.
For example, number of intercourse positions and length of foreplay had only chance correlations with how to make a woman come, how to make a woman reach orgasm, consistently.
Beyond a moderate level of knowledge concerning primary erogenous zones, the factors facilitating sexual arousal seem to be largely interpersonal, involving feelings of intimacy, closeness, and dependability. (OK – how about love?)
Women with orgasm difficulties may irrationally criticize their sex partners for not being sufficiently expert to stimulate them properly, for not knowing how to make a woman come.
Many questions about female sexuality are still not really understood. These questions include:
1. Cross-cultural studies are badly needed in which how to make a woman come when raised under different conditions can be compared.
Being unable to ejaculate is sometimes a problem for men, but it is not a condition which has any obvious counterpart in women, where anorgasmia or low libido are probably the most common sexual dysfunctions. How much are men responsible for not knowing how to make a woman come?
2. How much influence do childhood factors such as the influence of the father have on a woman’s ability to reach orgasm (or a man’s willingness to take the time to find out how to make a woman come)?
When a woman cannot climax she is much more likely not to have been using the coital alignment technique than a woman who has a loving partner who takes the time to learn how to make a woman come easily and quickly. Check out the CAT here,
3. A related question that needs to be checked is the possible role of the male partner: does he know how to make a woman come easily and quickly?
Her feelings about his dependability as a love object may mean she cannot orgasm.
A study on this would probably have to be carried out on married couples.
The attributes of the partner reflecting his dependability would be correlated with his woman’s orgasm behavior. Manufacturing the female orgasm may not be easy. One would want to evaluate the partner with respect to traits such as conscientiousness and ability to identify with his woman, and one would also want to ascertain how much confidence she had in his ability to make her come reliably.
Parallel to such inquiries, it would be informative to have a sample of men keep “diaries” in which they would record how often they know successfully made a woman come over a period of time. Various questions could be investigated.
Does orgasm consistency decline when the partner is planning to be away from home for a while? Do crises in the family, such as illness of children or financial difficulties, make it more likely she cannot get off or that her man cannot make her come?
Does successful achievement in life influence a woman’s orgasmic potential? Do periods of sexual deprivation make her less likely to get off? Check out this personal account: I just do not know how to make a woman come!
4. Detailed and finely etched reports must be secured from a variety of women concerning the perceptual changes that occur as excitement builds up to orgasmic levels.
This information is necessary, first of all, to gain a better understanding of how sexual excitement diminishes the woman’s perceptual hold on objects.
What certainly might make a difference to a woman’s capacity to reach orgasm is her husband’s ability to make a woman come and indeed, to hold his ejaculation in check.
Any man who has a tendency to ejaculate too quickly should seek out help with some kind of program for premature ejaculation treatment which might enable him to last longer during intercourse before he ejaculates.
Furthermore, it might prove of value in helping to develop practical procedures that would enable women with how to make a woman come, how to reach orgasm, when she has sexual difficulties.
5. Increasing orgasm consistency in women who have sexual difficulties need treatments ranging from the simple to the complex!
For example, one could compare joint counseling designed to reduce the frequency with which a woman’s partner displays behavior demonstrating his lack of dependability (such as being away from home frequently) with a more complex procedure of simply teaching him how to make a woman come so that he feels more confident in the bedroom.
6. Detailed descriptions and ratings need to be obtained of the manner in which women experience their male sex partners stimulating them when they are trying to make woman come
How much do men know about how to make a woman come, achieve climax, get off, during sex – call it whatever you want? To what extent do sexual techniques and positions, and knowledge of female sexual anatomy and female sexual behavior, create a man’s ability to give her an orgasm?
For obvious reasons, weak erection takes on a somewhat disproportionate importance as men advance well past middle age and grow physically weaker. While in most cases, this is not a pressing concern among the vast majority of younger men, a similar problem — that of premature ejaculation — appears to be just as overwhelmingly important.
Come to think of it, is there a particularly compelling reason why premature ejaculation is getting this much scrutiny? A major contributing factor is without a doubt the fact that people today are not anymore ready to endure a sex life that is less than gratifying. The wide-reaching information increase about sexual concerns that transpired in recent years is due to the open access to pornography on the internet and the gradual lessening of sexual inhibitions.
This indicates that formerly taboo subject matters such as premature ejaculation are now more mainstream, easier to deal with, and actually easier for people to discuss. But even now, only a few men try to find therapy.
Perhaps, it’s a matter of self-esteem for men but the latest medical findings reveal that a large number of men affected by premature ejaculation problems failed to seek any form of remedy for their condition. For females, it represents a frustrating break in rhythm and connection at the most important juncture of lovemaking. The problem is not really about a woman’s inability to reach climax through conventional sex, because that is comparatively rare anyway, but more about the fact that pleasurable sex is cut short at the very stage when there is real sexual connection. The closeness of the sexual union is suddenly broken prior to a woman gaining a sense of real connection with the man.
Ironically, effective solutions to this dysfunction were already known more than half a century ago when early researchers like Masters and Johnson mentioned sexual psychotherapy and other treatments. And these clinical interventions – commonly known as a “stop-start” technique and the “squeeze” technique – actually work! That these techniques aren’t as popularly accepted (and used) as might be expected is because sexual partners don’t have the inclination to keep on using them. Partly this is because it’s a lot easier for a man to just relinquish his self-control and surrender to the impulse to climax during sex. The male habitually does this at the point of ejaculation.
There’s no doubt that the desire to release sperm during sex is powerfully irresistible for the majority of men. It’s the product of millennia of human evolution. The female needs to get pregnant for the species to survive, so the desire to release is a naturally instinctive reaction. But, like most instinctive responses, males can muzzle it – by taking a decision to actually develop control of ejaculation. In short, the desire to ejaculate can be overcome, marginalized, and sacrificed for the longer term results of gaining greater self-control during longer lasting intercourse.
Preventing premature ejaculation is a rewarding path to achieve a greater degree of masculine self-respect, positive self-image, and sexual self-control. But what is normal? Anything that’s as intrinsic (as sex is) to human relationships is, by definition, always influenced by cultural and social norms. Consequently, while some findings have concluded that the mean duration of sexual intercourse is about seven minutes, the length of intimacy considered as average for intercourse in non-Western societies is totally different.
Let’s pause and consider this for a moment. How exactly do they determine duration in sexual intercourse? It’s problematic, to say the least, that a stop watch needs to be used during a most intimate encounter between a man and his partner to measure the exact time between penile entry and ejaculation. So what degree of reliability are we reasonably able to accept on results measured through a stop watch operated by the female partner enjoying sexual intercourse with her partner, unless she’s completely detached from the stimulation? And if the woman is in fact indifferent to to be able to measure the time correctly, does that imply that a man may not be especially concerned about controlling his ejaculation?
Hoping an experimental protocol like this might yield some kind of accurate data sounds naively sophomoric. And even if we did accept seven minutes as the average length of time for sexual intercourse (and seven minutes is in fact longer than many clinical tests have shown as the median length of time of intercourse), then how do we interpret the fact that in certain Arabic cultures fast release is singularly viewed as a signature of virility? This signifies that the estimated frequency of premature ejaculation in these Middle Eastern countries appears to be substantially lower than in, say, South America, where men consider drawn-out lovemaking as a symbol of masculinity.
Dr. Marcel Waldinger, a neuropsychiatric specialist , is one of the top medical therapists who have done extensive studies and tests on premature ejaculation in his own sexual health facility in the Netherlands. He believes that the real number of males in the general population who are actually experiencing premature ejaculation is significantly lower than reports from research paid for by drug corporations might lead us to believe. His technique is to measure the time between penetration and ejaculation. He maintains that this is the only objective indicator of whether a man suffers from premature ejaculation or not.
Outside issues such as concerns about sexual satisfaction or a man’s own estimate of the degree of his own self-control are generally excluded from Dr. Waldinger’s measurements. However, many people would consider those things as indispensably essential to defining premature ejaculation. Indeed, premature ejaculation has traditionally been described in a manner that demonstrates either one or both of the partners in a sexual relationship to be feeling emotional frustration directly attributable to the male partner’s rapid ejaculation. The reasoning here is that even if a couple only achieves thirty seconds of lovemaking but both are fulfilled and happy with this, then the man, based on the classical definition, is not really a premature ejaculator.
Is this important? I’m fully convinced that it is important, for several reasons. First, it’s not only motivating but practical for males to have a a set of standards by which they can evaluate themselves as lovers. The scarcity of this type of information can often cause distress and uncertainty when a man has no sense of how he rates sexually compared to all his peers.
Unless his friends are being honest about their sexual performance and talking about it explicitly, he won’t know whether a couple of minutes, five minutes or 10 minutes is sufficient. And even if he does manage to make love for ten minutes but the woman doesn’t reach orgasm, he will still have no idea if he’s achieving a superior sexual performance or not.
Videos about premature ejaculation
You know, when I look at some of the things that people do, it’s absolutely no surprise to me that they experience some kind of sense of rejection during sex – or rather, the fear of rejection. I had a doctor friend who told me that he was constantly shocked by the state of the genitals of patients that he examined. When I asked him exactly what he meant by this, he should have pulled a face which expressed disgust and refuse to say any more.
On another website I came across an account of sex from two people who have been having sex when the woman had vaginal discharge due to thrush, and her vagina was covering her boyfriend’s penis with the characteristic discharge of this infection.
I can’t even begin to imagine why people would have sex in such a situation, except to suggest that perhaps discretion and good taste are lacking in the majority of the population! Find out more about yeast here – knowledge is power.
The simple reality is that any kind of sexually transmitted infection (because, whether or not it’s described as a sexually transmitted infection by the doctors, yeast infection can be transmitted between partners during sexual intercourse) makes it absolutely inappropriate to have sex at all, and if you absolutely feel you have to do this for some reason, you must use a condom.
Surely that’s basically good hygiene and common sense rather than anything else? A further point that really strikes me, with a sense of shock, in fact, is that people would be prepared to have sex while one of them has a yeast infection without using a condom. This is either absolutely thoughtless or shows a complete lack of any self-care whatsoever.
What is almost certainly going to happen is that both male and female partners end up with a yeast infection, and, like any other sexually transmitted infection, the danger is that one of them will go outside the relationship and have sex with someone else who will then also become infected.
Now although yeast infections are not a massive problem, there are certain indications that they could become so in the future: for example, there is a certain degree of resistance already emerging amongst Candida species towards the azoles which form the basis of medication currently used to control this condition.
Wilfully spreading yeast infections between partners for no good reason — as if there could be a good reason — clearly makes the risk of resistance much higher, simply because it fosters the use of medication to eliminate the infection.
So I urge you, if you are experiencing any kind of sexually transmitted infection, don’t make your situation worse, don’t risk rejection, don’t make your own phobia about rejection worse, by engaging in sexual intercourse. Just have the discipline to wait until the situation is being cleared up, and then use a condom until you sure that you absolutely free of the infection.
Needless to say, this advice applies to all aspects of personal hygiene, not just the avoidance of sex while you have an infection. The simple fact of the matter is that intercourse is much more enjoyable for all concerned if you engage in sexual intercourse when there are no worries about hygiene or infection or disease.
If you follow this simple advice, you can avoid any sense of rejection, and you can avoid any fear of being rejected by sexual partner.
He is honest, but he lacks imagination. His leisure activities reflect this. He likes cricket in the summer and television shows in the winter. He’s kind, but, you’ll recall, more than a little preoccupied with business success. Thus, most of his conversations with other members of his family deal with work and its obligations, food, TV and movies, the car, relatives and the annual vacation. The latter is spent fishing, so that he can “unwind”.
The mother, his wife, also is a fairly uncomplicated person. When someone asks her what she does, her reply is, “I take care of the house.” She likes to read the women’s magazines and watch television shows. She has a fairly well-set daily routine, which involves housework, getting the children off to school and cooking. (She is likely not to want to break her kitchen habits by delving into new recipes, for she feels she has been through that stage.)
Occasionally, she attends a parent-teacher meeting, but her feeling is that civic participation should be left to those who have more time. As you can see, both the father and mother in this family are fundamentally almost totally concerned with the mechanics of living.
The wife loves her husband, who, she feels, is loyal, hardworking, a good provider and kind to her. Their sex life is rather a secret one. For two or three years after she was married, or perhaps for even a longer period, she was glad her husband took such pleasure in sex, but she wondered what all the fuss was about. She felt then that sex was a rather mechanical thing, an obligation of marriage, nothing more.
Then, all at once, she began to discover sexual pleasure herself. She began to respond to her husband. When that happened, both of them accepted the change without mentioning it to each other. Although they have continued to enjoy it mutually, she has never overcome a slight feeling of guilt. She wonders vaguely if her husband possibly thinks of her as “bad” for sometimes meeting him more than half-way sexually.
Now you have a fairly clear picture of this family, which really is quite a good one because the essential relationship is one of harmony. There are no very great upheavals, no great ups and downs, no overwhelming conflicts, no boundless joys or monumental achievements. The father and mother do not quarrel seriously. Essentially, they are contented together.
What is missing here? A great intellectual drive? Not at all, for why should everyone be intellectual? Here is a family carrying on some of the world’s work and contributing a harmonious home; yet even so, something is missing. This lack may be felt deeply later on when the children of the home grow into adulthood.
What is missing in this home is verbal communication in contrast to the non-verbal kind I spoke of earlier. This lack may have its effect in emotional problems concerning sex in the later lives of the children. These parents do not discuss with each other anything that is really important about their feelings. Neither do they communicate their feelings on important matters to their children. They are unlikely to have great health, either, suffering from problems of emotional origin like acid reflux and depression. (If you doubt that these issues can arise from sexual repression, read this about acid reflux after sex.)
What I have described here is a quite typical family situation. When the children were young, their mother passed on to them a small amount of sex information in a rather embarrassed fashion—at least, they learned from her where babies come from. Since then, the children have “learned” much more about sex from their friends in school. But have they? Their parents would be amazed at what the children think about sex.
Early Sex Education and Experience
To understand your attitudes and emotions in marriage today, healthy or unhealthy, you must return to your years of growing up. For it is in those years that beliefs and ideas form and then are tempered by experience.
It is the purpose of this chapter to help you return to your early childhood and to demonstrate how what happened to you then, or did not happen, helps to make you the kind of person you are.
Let’s dispel one widespread misconception before we go any further. You may be grown up and married now, but that does not mean you are fixed and unchangeable. Most people believe that adults cannot change significantly, but they are wrong.
I know a man of eighty who is still changing, still learning, still achieving. He is an artist who feels strongly that he has not yet finished growing. He works, travels, studies and has a well-rounded social life. I know that he never will stop growing as a person—not until the final great learning experience.
In marriage, in our careers, in everything we set out to achieve, we must realize that we as human beings have a marvelous potential that permits us forever to continue to learn, to improve, to expand our horizons. We need never be fixed and unchanging if we don’t want to be.
A good many people fail to recognize the qualities in us which make for limitless opportunity. Because of childhood experience they establish a pattern, sometimes an unhealthy one.
Earlier, I mentioned that sex education begins just after birth. Very early, the baby can sense the difference between the father and the mother, and responds to those differences in varied ways but with equal love. For the qualities of maleness appeal to a baby in certain ways and the qualities of femaleness appeal to him in different ways to help him learn about gender roles.
Quite unconsciously, as the child grows up, he absorbs knowledge and feelings about the relationship between that man and that woman who live together, his parents. At first, he applies the knowledge and feelings to all men and women. Later, as he approaches maturity, he applies those feelings to himself.
In the ideal home atmosphere, the parents can and do talk to their children about all human relationships. Thus, the children have an opportunity to question freely all that they see and hear. The knowledge and understanding they acquire in this way bolster their consciences, their sense of honesty, their sense of social and moral values.
If the child is thus fortunate enough to grow up in this kind of home, in which the predominating theme is honesty, candor and reasoned discipline along with a warm and loving parental relationship, he is likely to have a sound outlook on sex, for the wonderful qualities of such a home radiate this kind of understanding.
However, this is the ideal, and does not always exist. Something short of the mark does, though, in a great many homes. Let’s say that the father of a growing child is interested primarily in getting ahead. He has enough education so that he can achieve success in the line of work he has selected.
While working as a therapist, I have come across many men and women who have an extreme fear of rejection which has been based on the pain they have experienced when previous relationships have come to an end.
How ironic, do you not think, that we can be prevented from getting into a relationship because of our fear of what we may experience when it comes to an end?
And yet, where human relationships are concerned, such fear is far from uncommon. Would you believe it possible that a man or woman could refrain from engaging in a sexual relationship, simply because they feared rejection? I suppose to some of you that may not come as a surprise, but perhaps those of you who find this a little disquieting may be reassured if I define “rejection” by means of a story about a client of mine.
One man who came to see me was so traumatized by his sexual experience that he had not sought out a relationship after his first disastrous experience with a woman at the age of 18.
Somewhat older than him, she had derided his sexual competence after he ejaculated within two minutes of intercourse starting. In fact, she told him to get out of her bed and get out of the house, and never to see her again.
This proved to be so traumatic for the man concerned, possibly because he felt shamed, but more likely because the sheer rejection was too much to cope with, and far too damaging for his self-esteem to be easily rebuilt, that he had never attempted to form a sexual relationship with a woman again — until he came to see me at the age of 37.
Now then, you begin to see the power of rejection? I would define rejection as anything that severs connection between two or more people, no matter how tenuous; or anything which can leave your his self-esteem in tatters due to the way an individual had spoken to you, behaved towards you, or feels towards you.
After all, rejection is really, at its root, about the existential denial of another person’s right to be different to yourself, another person’s right to do whatever they are doing, another person’s right to be there, or another person’s right to have the characteristics that they have (such as premature or delayed ejaculation).
I know it’s a very sweeping and wide definition, but I believe it to be appropriate. When you think about it, one of the key factors in maintaining social order is to exclude those who have failed to comply with society’s system of control, its dictates, orders, legislation, and customs even.
You see this in many animal societies, particularly those which depend on a social existence for survival against predators: horses, for example, will exclude an individual from the herd for as long as it takes to modify its behavior. When re-admitted to the herd, the behavior of the excluded individual is very different. Very conforming.
So exclusion and rejection are powerful weapons that animals and humans use, unconsciously or consciously, against each other in the search for — well, what? Social dominance, social order, social exclusion?
So why, for example, would a woman in bed with the young man mentioned above, berate and deride him for his failure to sustain intercourse for longer than a few minutes?
Certainly this may have reflected a disappointment, but it’s an unkind and harsh way of expressing disappointment. Does this mean that rejection is sometimes the consequence of people’s inexperience, social ability or lack of social ability? Might it be that when disappointment is expressed in such profound terms of rejection, that the real problem lies in the emotional in articulacy of the person who is wounding the other?
Yes, to some extent, certainly. But it also lies in the fact that person wounded is sensitive enough to be damaged by this rejection, and not strong enough to stand up and put a boundary in place which would consist, perhaps, of something like: “That is completely unacceptable; do not speak to me like that; I have no intention of seeing you ever again.”
This of course is something that comes from self-confidence and social experience, so we’re beginning to form a picture, perhaps, of people who feel rejection, or rather more accurately fear rejection, as those who may not be particularly self-confident, those who perhaps have weak boundaries, and those who have been wounded in childhood.
The problem is of course that in childhood there are many ways we can be wounded.
We are very sensitive as individuals by nature, and because of the need for social interaction, and in particular the need to be part of a group, it’s especially true that those of us who are brought up without consideration and respect will be very sensitive indeed to rejection.
Exclusion from the group is exclusion from many other things — not just internal values like appreciation and approval, but sometimes, at least, biologically and instinctually, exclusion from protection, survival and even existence itself.
With such existential forces at work, it’s no wonder that people fear rejection, to the extent of having a phobia around it. What can you do if you have a fear of rejection?
My suggestion would be that you use a good therapeutic technique, of which there are many to choose from; your difficulty may lie more in finding the one that is suitable for you than in finding a therapy that works. I’ve experienced clients gaining great benefit from Emotional Freedom Technique, also known as EFT, or EFT tapping. If you’d like some information about EFT and phobia, please click on this link EFT and phobia – training to lower anxiety.
Now supposing that you don’t believe in energy therapy like EFT, what are you going to do? The answer probably lies in conventional psychotherapy on a one-to-one basis, and you can obtain details and information about therapists who may be able to deal with fear of rejection from either the American Counseling Association or the British Association For Counseling and Psychotherapy.
If you aren’t an experienced lover, or a confident one, it’s entirely possible that you are avoiding sexual activity because of fear of rejection or fear of intimacy. This is quite understandable, because it is when we are a sexual relationship that we lay our souls most vulnerable to other people, and for those who have been wounded in childhood the pain of exposing themselves and being hurt can be so great that they avoid intimate relationships.
Nonetheless, it also entirely true that the human being is a social animal and to feel complete needs social connection with other humans. At its most profound, a relationship can provide a sense of purpose and belonging in the world which is essential for mental health. It is also true that for relationships be entirely successful, the sexual aspect of intimacy must be functioning to the satisfaction of both members of the partnership. It’s ironic, therefore, that there is no way that a relationship can be more challenging than on the sexual front: the potential for difficulty is immense, with men subject to difficulties such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and worries about sexual performance, and with women experiencing self-doubt around their bodies, possibly low sexual drive, and often a lack of orgasmic capacity. There is however a cure for each of these difficulties: for men who want to last longer during sex, training programs are available, just as they are for women who want to become orgasmic.
My advice would be to get help with any sexual difficulties that you may be experiencing so that these do not interfere with the formation of a long-term relationship. The reality is that any couple who live together will experience sexual problems from time to time, and the cause of these can be one of any number of problems such as illness, a breakdown in communication, a loss of interest in sex due to life events such as stress or giving birth, or an accumulation of resentments in the relationship. In any of these situations, problems begin to escalate very rapidly. When either one or both of the partners in an intimate relationship are finding they have reduced sexual desire, or they are experiencing some challenges in becoming physically aroused, or they are having problems with rapid ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or non-existent orgasms, it is advisable to get help because such problems rarely improve of their own accord.
In some cases they made actually be a physical reason for the development sexual dysfunction, the doctor can help: but there are also many sexual problems that are entirely due to emotional or psychological issues, and in these situations there is usually a combination of factors at work. It’s also important to remember that sexual relationship is a very good indicator of the state of the couples wider relationship, which means that when there are sexual difficulties there are often difficulties in the relationship in nonsexual areas.
One clear example of this is when people find that their desire has decreased: this is often caused by unspoken anger, sense of resentment, or a sheer loss of intimacy between the two individuals. Strangely enough, lowered sexual interest has a devastating effect on a relationship, you would think that people would get help for it: the reality is rather different – it is often the most secret part of any relationship, and one which people are extremely reluctant to admit to. Only when these deep feelings have been expressed in some kind of therapeutic process has been applied that will resolve them with a couple find that there intimate erotic connection has been re-established. Even so, it’s important to remember that last desire may be due to something such as withdrawal from prescription drugs, or use of prescription drugs, or bereavement, stress, or overwork.